Honestly, I think it’s so lame to talk about the “bad” things that happened to me. I was always the kind of person to not want to burden others with my problems. And then, I’ve realized I’m stealing people’s opportunity to get to know me.
Yes, I’m super happy and joyful. I can brighten anyone’s day. I am not always like that. Some people look at me and make all sorts of assumptions. How easy I have it. And I do! I’m not going to lie. That isn’t to say I haven’t gone through things in my life.
Sexual abuse, betrayal, depression, feeling lost, anxiousness, being ghosted by someone I was really in love with. I mean, it goes on.
For a while, all of that put me in a cage. I just wanted to be kept safe and secure from any pain. And you know what I’ve learned? It sucks!
Closing yourself of to the world… makes you miss out SO MUCH in life!
I don’t know if it is like this to everyone, but for me… it was really hard to not let that all change me for good. I was so scared of going out into the world again. I was afraid something or someone would steal my joy, so I became very protective of myself. “Ok, let’s go out. But trust NO ONE!”
It took me years to learn… some – most – or all of the things that “people do to you” have very little to do with you. So, it’s not your fault. I’ve blamed the abuse I’ve suffered as a kid on myself FOR YEARS! I mean… really. A 7 yo seduced a grown man? In my head, yes!
I’ve learned that’s very little I can understand about people, but I can know myself. I can’t change others, but I can leave. I can’t demand anything from people, but I can take care of myself. I don’t have to depend on anyone. I can rely on myself and be grateful when I meet people who are willing to respect my boundaries.
I used to be so afraid of… surrendering. Feeling things as deeply as I feel them. Be intensity I truly be… because of my experiences in the world. However, if I conform to it, nothing will ever change. If am not who I am… who will be? Who else can take this part that I was casted by God with but me?
We are irreplaceable. People are irreplaceable. Maybe saying people are is a lie someone told because they were trying to protect their hearts – like I was – and then all the others who were also trying to protect their hearts – like I was – replicated this and tried to turn it into a truth.
But a lie will never be true. As many times as you repeat it.
There’s not another you in the world. And so, if you’re not standing up for yourself, and being who you truly be… then the world will never receive the gift you came to give it. We will never live in the world touched by you, because you didn’t allow yourself to be exposed to it. Isn’t that sad? A world where you aren’t?
Luckily, there’s always tomorrow. There’s always another day. And there is always a crazy one… a misfit… to tell you… whatever you are, whomever you be. You’re precious! Don’t let the world change you, instead… change it by being you. That’s the gift I’ll be asking for this Christmas.
Paula Camila Pinto 