This week I had to travel to a small city nearby – first time – officially taking the road with myself driving, which, TRUST me, is an accomplishment.
I had several hearings, which I went to with my colleague as part of a new contract that involves lots of new things and subjects and cases. It has been SUPER exciting, but also demanding and challenging, in so many levels. However, it also led me to realize how far I’ve come.
I’ll explain.
During the hearing, the other lawyer was evidently – pardon my language – throwing sht at the fan. He was speaking so loudly, saying all sorts of nonsense and talking over the judge.
In the past, this agressive attitude would have intimidated me. This time, I saw through it and realized how emotionally unprepared he was.
I mean. It’s that big bad bully myth. The roar that will make the opponent back up into the corner and win by W.O. IT USED TO WORK ON ME! Now, it just doesn’t anymore and this showed me how far I’ve come through the practice of the Law.
When I started Law School, so many people told me how it was the wrong career for me – even if I grew up hearing how I annoying I was for questioning everything, therefore, I should be a lawyer hehe.
I was too sweet, too calm, not feisty enough. Basically, I would have been eaten alive. It was just not my field. “Stick to something like… psychology, architecture. Veterinary maybe, you love animals”.
And I believed it.
As much as I loved being in Law School and even as an intern doing minor things in court like, delivering a motion, getting the files from a case. Once I graduated. Once I passed the bar (1st try on one of the hardest editions of the history of the national exam)… I froze. Somehow, all that I’ve heard penetrated my mind and I just… bought that idea that… I didn’t have what it takes.
It’s really funny because. Passing the bar isn’t easy. And I told myself. If I don’t. I’ll give it up. So many times, I tried to find the way out. I was so scared, I was always looking for the next exit.
I tried changing jobs. I tried maybe… not practice it and doing something else, like a public job. Turned into coaching classes and studies. Maybe this would be it!
But nothing felt right.
Every new job, I would question myself. Do I got this? Do I have what it takes? And I would just give my blood, sweat and tears because… in my mind, I was so wrong for all of this that I needed to compensate by being the best at it. The best writing, the best research, the best knowledge of the situation, the most hours worked.
So, at some point, fed up with this torture… I just decided to embrace it. I said to myself: “Ok. I’ll give this my all. My whole heart and soul. And if it doesn’t work, then I’ll know I’m not right for it and then I’ll give up“.
And I kept going. I’ve looked to the people I worked with and learned to appreciate who they were, how they worked. Every new motion, as complicated as it looked I just told myself: “if this is in my hands now, if this found me. Then, I’ve got everything I need to deal with this”. And, in this process, through all the tribulations, by sticking up to it every time I just wanted to run away and cry – WHICH I DID BTW. At my first seminar in college. I became so much stronger.
Yes, it’s scary. And yes, who I was when I entered law school wasn’t AT ALL ready to tackle being an attorney. But… who said we were born ready?!
I was always a perfectionist and that made me demand of myself the impossible. Which made me miserable and anxious. Once I just accepted where the “imperfection” of who I was. Once, I said… let’s take it from here… everything changed and I slowly became who I am today (so proud of it!)
Today, looking at the attorney I’ve became. A little bit of a troublemaker, to be honest. No one would’ve ever say that mellow girl hid such a fierce, passionate lawyer. And isn’t that amazing?!
We can’t be something we’re not. Yet. We are always becoming. Even if somehow we always hold the latent potential of being everything that we are… it is the experience and the living through it that will give us the insight and the clues we need to get to the next step.
Face the obstacles. Rise to the challenge. You may not be the one who will tackle it when you first encounter it, but by going through it you will get everything you need to overcome it and become who you need to be.
And isn’t that magical? All you have to do is take one step at a time and be the best you can at that moment. Everything else takes care of itself.
Now, no roar loud enough to take down the court house will scare me into the corner. There’s nothing to fear inside of me, so there’s nothing on the outside that can cage me. And that is just… BEAUTIFUL! ❤
Paula Camila Pinto 